Farewell, Hard Drive

I got the call last night that my hard drive is--and I believe this is a technical term that the person used--"fried."

They attempted to get my documents off from it, but couldn't (this is the "FireDog" service at Circuit City, in case anyone is curious). There are other places that do a more advanced recovery, but also cost upwards of $300 (according to the CC person on the phone).

Now, I have backed up pretty regularly but not in the last, say, two months. Once the diss was finished I got a little sloppy. As I was falling asleep last night I kept thinking of documents that may now be lost forever and then thinking of how to search through my emails for various attachments that I've sent of those documents over the past months. Such mental gymnastics do not lead to an easy move into REM sleep. Ugh.

Do I have anything on that hard drive that I don't have elsewhere? Do I want to pay $300 to find out?

Stupid computers.

(And yes, I have broken my internet sabbath to go to my office and begin taking stock of this situation. I believe this is in the "if your donkey falls into a well on the sabbath day" category.)

We Interrupt this Blog...

...because my laptop crashed. :-(

Yes, it's under warranty and yes I should be able to recover all of my documents (fingers crossed, prayers said), but it's going to be a while until I have access to a computer from my home. On the plus side, this will lend an air of calm to my weekend, since there is a minimal amount of work I can do without a computer. On the negative side, I have no way to access the internet for news, entertainment, or those funny youtube videos.

Guess I'll have to settle for a novel and a roaring fire . . .

Happy Thanksgiving!

Shameless Plug #2: The New Midwest!

A while back I invited you all to come and hear my friend Mark's band. Well, I am cool enough to be connected to another band! (Okay, I'm hanging off their coolness coattails.)

The New Midwest is having a CD release party TOMORROW (Tues) at 9p at The Intersection. Members of the band include my CAS colleague Dr. Christopher R. Smit, my CICW colleague Greg Scheer, and my friend Lisa W.'s brother Michael Van Houten.

This is a great band with a unique sound, and the party is going to be fun. Listen for clips from their CD here.

Details: $1 ticket will admit all those over 21. Those over 18 will be admitted for $5. Doors open at 9p and the show kicks off at 9:30p. Get your holiday weekend started early!! WOO HOO!

On Our Brother, Ted (with a note to his wife, Gayle)

I have an ongoing interest in the intersection between virtue and the clergy in general, and virtue and preaching in particular. Those of you who remember my dissertation topic know this. Both of you.

So the recent resignation of Ted Haggard merited my attention. But unlike the late night comics who crowed over the event (Jon Stewart likened it to dessert), I was sobered. Ted wasn't the televangelist type prone to inane outbursts (see: Robertson, Pat) but the pastor of a large and growing church. Yes, he cast his lot in with conservative causes, and, yes, his cameo in the Jesus Camp film (played on The Daily Show) wasn't his best moment. And I'm sure that he and I would disagree about many things both theological and political.

But.

When a leader of the church of Jesus Christ fails, the church takes a hit. And by "church" I mean all of us who confess Jesus as Lord and Savior. When Jon or Jay or Dave made jokes, I winced. They had every right to do so, of course, and the material is ripe for the joke-making, but we all lose credibility when any Christian's hypocrisy is revealed in the national news.

What has bothered me in the past is that unless the person who falls is prosecuted and punished (see: Bakker, Jimmy), the clergyman generally shakes it off and keeps on a'preachin' (see: Swaggert, Jimmy). So I was encouraged by the following piece in The New York Times:

By KIRK JOHNSON
Published: November 6, 2006

Long before the first tissue boxes were passed down the aisles for mopping tears, and before the first guitar chords were struck to begin the worship, many of the thousands of people who gathered on Sunday morning at the New Life Church here knew that it would be a service unlike any other in their lives.

Some were curious outsiders, drawn by the moment and the sense of history. Even church leaders were not fully sure what to expect.
''We're living this in real time,'' said Rob Brendle, an associate pastor, as he bustled through the 14,000-member evangelical church making last-minute preparations for the 9 a.m. service.

By then, the news was less than 24 hours old that the church's founder and senior pastor, Ted Haggard, a prominent author and national evangelical Christian leader, had been dismissed by the church's Board of Overseers for ''sexually immoral conduct.''

A male prostitute in Denver said in a radio interview on Wednesday that Mr. Haggard had been a monthly customer and a buyer of methamphetamines. Mr. Haggard issued denials, but by Saturday the brief, explosive standoff was over. The board members had heard enough -- mostly from Mr. Haggard himself, they said at Sunday's service -- to justify his removal.

What was left for Sunday was to begin sorting the tangled skein of spiritual and political implications, betrayal, anguish, anger and sadness that the episode left behind in the church and across the evangelical world. Speakers urged the church's members to find a way forward without recrimination or bitterness; a letter from Mr. Haggard was read from the 8,000-seat auditorium's center stage.

Mr. Haggard's letter said that people should forgive the Denver man who broke the story, Michael Jones, in particular -- though Mr. Jones was not referred to by name.

''He is revealing the deception and sensuality that was in my life,'' Mr. Haggard wrote. ''Those sins, and others, need to be dealt with harshly. So forgive him, and actually, thank God for him.''

Neither Mr. Haggard in his letter, nor the board members who spoke in the service, specified precisely what Mr. Haggard's transgressions had been.
''The accusations that have been leveled against me are not all true,'' Mr. Haggard wrote, ''but enough of them are true that I have been appropriately and lovingly removed from ministry. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I caused this and I have no excuse. I am a sinner. I have fallen.''

Many church members interviewed after the service praised the board for acting so quickly and decisively. Others said the service left them with a new understanding of why many of Mr. Haggard's sermons had been so powerful: his talk of temptation, sin and guilt were not just idle words.
''He struggled with the same issues he preached about,'' said Basil Marotta, who said he ran his own Christian ministry in the Colorado Springs area with his wife.

It was not until a letter was read from Mr. Haggard's wife, Gayle, that the tissue boxes were really needed. Ms. Haggard was deeply involved with the various women's groups and classes at New Life Church. She wrote that she loved her husband, with whom she has five children, and would stick with him.

And what Ms. Haggard wrote next received a big and wrenching laugh from the crowd: ''For those of you who have been concerned that my marriage was so perfect I could not possibly relate to the women who are facing great difficulties, know that this will never again be the case,'' she wrote.
One woman who came to a New Life service for the first time on Sunday said she was drawn by what she believed would be a positive and open discussion in the church, going forward from here, about sexual addiction.
''I'll be back, definitely,'' she said.

New Life's interim senior pastor, Ross Parsley, told the church members that for all the difficulty that lay ahead of them and any despair they might feel right now, they should remember that Mr. Haggard's departure had also cleared out a cloud that, in retrospect, had been hanging over the church because of the pastor's secrets.

Mr. Haggard, in addition to his prominent role in Colorado, was also the president of the National Association of Evangelicals until his resignation last week. The group announced on Sunday that Leith Anderson, a well-known author and senior pastor of the Wooddale Church in Eden Prairie, Minn., had been named interim president.

''We all feel worse today than we did a week ago,'' Mr. Parsley said, ''but we were worse off a week ago. Pastor Ted is living in a greater measure of repentance and forgiveness today than he has been living in for years.''
Other speakers urged the congregation not to look for political conspiracies. If the timing of the disclosures affects the nation, or the election on Tuesday, then that is God's will, the speakers said. Mr. Haggard was a prominent supporter of conservative causes, including a proposed amendment to the Colorado Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman.

''God does things when he thinks they're appropriate,'' said Larry Stockstill, the pastor of the Bethany World Prayer Center in Louisiana, from which the New Life Church began in 1985 as an outreach mission.

''What's going to happen in the nation?'' Mr. Stockstill said. ''You know what -- I don't think that's your concern or mine. He chose this incredibly important time for this sin to be revealed and I actually think it's a good thing -- I believe America needs a shaking, spiritually.''

Here's what I found positive in the midst of this very sad story: The church has a Board of Overseers made up of pastors from other churches (that's not as clear in this story as it was in others). So many independent, nondenominational churches are entities unto themselves, with no outside accountability. New Life Church had this board established for just this type of a need, and they acted swiftly. There was no "ol' boys network" keeping him in a position of ecclesiastical authority. Nor did they cover for him, or pass him on to another church. They stated why he had been dismissed clearly and without flinching. No one in that congregation is guessing at the reason for their pastor's resignation. They may wonder about the details, but they have the facts.

Further, I appreciated the Interim Pastor's comment that "We all feel worse today than we did a week ago, but we were worse off a week ago. Pastor Ted is living in a greater measure of repentence and forgiveness today than he has been living in for years." Wise and true words. The truth does set you free, and his comments reflect that truth.

I read elsewhere (either Time or Newsweek) that church leaders anticipated a two-year process of rehabilitation before Ted would be back in public ministry of any kind. It was also made clear by a church leader that Ted's time at New Life was over. This is also very wise. Too often in an effort to forgive and forget and move on, pastors who fall are given a 6 month break and then with a "He probably won't do it again" type of report from a counselor they are sent back out to the mound.

From my limited experience, this does not work. Preachers who fall--particularly in the area of sexual indiscretion--are very likely to do it again unless the issue is engaged deeply via a few years' of therapy. Even then, even then, I strongly question allowing that person back into the pulpit. Pastoral care, maybe; chaplaincy, maybe; or maybe it's time for another line of work. But a preacher already swims against the tide of people's expectations: "Be holier than we are, but be approachable." "Be human, but not too human." As Chris Rock says about celebrity, "You don't want me. You want a better version of me."

When a preacher fails so publicly, those to whom she or he preaches often have a deep sense of betrayal. That is hard for the preacher to overcome. Further, personal integrity is a core part of increasing the potential receptivity of the preached word. Aristotle called this the "ethos" part of public speaking and it is just as true now as it was then. I do hope Ted is able to find healing in the coming weeks and months. But I also hope that he resists the impulse to leap back into the pulpit when all is said and done.

Finally, I conclude with a note to his wife, Gayle: I know you live in Colorado Springs where marriage is basically a Protestant sacrament, but please, please, please do not value "marriage" over emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental health for you or your children. Your husband has betrayed you, most likely for years, and you have payed the price already in ways you will only begin to recognize now that the truth is out. Your hindsight will become better than 20/20.

I know you've already declared that you will "stick with him." But as you go more deeply into the truth, you may discover things that simply will not allow you to continue to be married. If you decide the marriage is over, be as clear about that as the church has been about this. And you know what? God will still cherish you. God actually loves people whose marriages have ended. Really (see: author, this blog). His mercy covers even that.

And for those of us who had our own bit of schadenfreude over this: let's examine our own eyes for logs first, shall we? I believe we just may find some timber there.

It's NOT like Riding a Bike

I preached last night. It was my first time in a few months. In fact, I can't remember the last time I preached. Maybe in July???

I wrote a new sermon for the event, using chapter 3 of Zephaniah as the text. I found that parts of the writing came rather easily, but as I drove home last night I was rearranging the sermon in my head: "This section could be moved up. I don't think there was enough suspense. I'm not sure I would do this part here...." And I wondered about portions of the delivery: did this work for this section? Did I move too fast through that part?

I remember returning to parish work after a vacation and having to write another sermon and thinking, "How do I do this again?" Compound that by about 50 and that's how it feels now. I'm out of my rhythm, not quite sure of what works or what doesn't, and a bit less sure of myself.

People were kind afterward (they usually are), but it reminded me again of what hard work this preaching business is. Hard in a way that other work isn't. I rarely walk out of a classroom doing self-critique to the extent that I do after a sermon. And I don't expect students to shake my hand on the way out the door and tell me that this class changed their lives.

But, oy, I stand at the back of the sanctuary and realize all over again how vulnerable I am, how desperate I am for a good word, and how--even in the moment--I'm doing this internal wrestling with my own pride: "You shouldn't care what anyone says. You should care that God is glorified. Who cares if anyone says anything particular about the merits of the sermon? Let it go." But (*sigh*) I still hope after a sermon that SOMEONE says SOMETHING that I'm able to put in the "hurrah for God" column. Or, if I am honest, the "hurrah for God and me" column, or, gulp, the "hurrah for me" column.

I have a few more preaching dates lined up in Dec and Jan. They look a little intimidating on this post-preaching Monday. But I suppose humility is a good virtue for preachers to foster. I'm nurturing mine, that's for sure.

(To any regular preachers out there: You go, Girl! You go, Guy! My admiration for what you do week in and week out remains high. Be faithful, and know that there are those of us in the pews whose empathy is great. Pax.)

Happy Birthday, Christian!

One of my favorite little people turned 1 today. I wrote about his birth here. It's hard to believe that was a year ago. His mom and I agree that his first year of life has gone by a lot faster than the pregnancy!

This great picture of Christian and his mom was taken by the very talented Melissa Diekema, who would be happy to take some shots of you and/or your loved ones. See more of her work here.

They said this would happen...

A few of you whom I see in real life or who have my email address have expressed concern over my lack of posts.

My health has taken a bit of a hit, and I'm still not 100%. As I realize now how wicked that cold was I regret spreading the germs by plowing ahead with a regular schedule. Even now, two weeks after coming down with it, my voice is weak and low by the end of the day.

But the other truth is that my energy has plummeted. Here it is, 7:47p and I'm thinking, "Can I go to bed yet?" My colleagues told me to expect this post-defense lull and sho' nuff: it's here. My creativity is low, my energy is low, I'm forgetful and my brain feels foggy.

And there have been so many bloggable things: Ted Haggard's downfall, the elections yesterday, today's removal of Rumsfeld. But the creative blog responses to these things flitter through my mind and are gone (though I will say that the Rumsfeld announcement resulted in some fist-pumping at the wheel while listening to NPR).

It takes all my mental energy to be fully present and somewhat insightful in classes. After that, I can walk the dog and sort mail but tackling the next projects (book editing, article writing, and hey-I-have-to-preach-on-Sunday) seems just too much.

So, forgive the lack of posting. My colleagues also promise that the energy does eventually return, so let's set the bar low for these next couple of weeks and be happy with showing up to class on time with something decent to say. And walking the dog. And preaching Sunday. Okay, and that article is due on Monday. And, uh, yeah . . . that book project. Heh. Guess I should plug away at that a little . . .

But other than that, all bet's are off!

Cough, cough.

So, I'm sick. This isn't surprising, as I usually have a dip in my immune system following a much-anticipated stressful event. But jeez, this cold is just hanging on.

I was voiceless Friday and Saturday, it was starting to come back on Sunday and Monday, but now it's taken a turn for the worse again. On the way out of our department meeting today I said something to a colleague, and Michael Page, England native and head of our theatre department, said to me, "My! Where did that voice come from? A sepulchre?"

That made me giggle which sent me into a fit of coughing. You know the kind of coughing that sounds as if the person is channeling a harbor seal? Yeah, that's me. I'm very pleasant to be around right now.